Karma.

You know what they say, what comes around goes around. Sometimes I question the truth behind this and whether it really does happen.

Once, I got into a relationship which didn't really seem 2-sided. Yes, I was verbally convinced by the other party and I was totally convinced by that. So there it goes, me being happy but maybe I shouldn't have been. Things happened, relationship gone & it kinda left me very sad.

One year passed, there was this guy who told me he wants to be with me.
Weeks later, he seemed convinced to want to marry me.

But I broke up with him.

He was sad. Then I feel guilty of breaking his heart.


All these made me reflect back on what had happened and what had influenced my decision. Maybe I was hurt before, therefore I hurt others.

My brother said to me, this is a vicious cycle. No-one who he knows is really happy when they just flit around from person to person, relationship-wise. To be honest, I don't have that quality to allow me to flit around. But I don't think life should be made miserable by my own hands. Especially since I've experienced that before, I definitely do not want it to happen to anybody else.

Maybe he might be the guy for me, maybe he's not.
To be frank, on a very practical side, I feel he's an obstacle.
Feeling-wise, I'm very guilty of breaking his heart and therefore really want to make it up to him.

I am very heartless, but when I really think about it, no. I don't want another thing to block my path. He's not going to make me happy, it's not like I didn't try. No-one is ever going to make me happy, because in the first place, I'm not happy.

I miss true laughter, true smiles. Waking up everyday feeling like that day is going to be awesome.
Looking forward to weekends, looking at the clock excited for 2pm.
Waiting for alternate Sundays. Looking at the schedule and feeling nervous.

Miss the comforting hugs during praise and worship. Miss the comforting words of the lyrics. Miss the beautiful tunes of the keyboard and the comfortable strum of the guitar.
I miss being comforted, assured that I'm loved by God.

But all that missing, I don't know when will I ever be able to experienced that again.