In the new year.

I read a blog today which was about this lady who had a stillbirth. She wrote about the process of her letting go, trying to be strong and moving on so that life can continue for her happily again.


I am a very lucky girl. I don't have to lose anything. I've got a family. I've got friends. I've got a nice church to go to every week. I have a job which provides me with sufficient funds to get through the days. And the best of all, I've got an awesome God with me.


The only thing I've lost was myself.


To be honest, when I thought that I've made that choice that I'll give up everything, I did. I knew I had to lose a lot, but I still did. I thought it will be okay, but oh boy, was I wrong.


It was not losing the person that was devastating, it was losing myself entirely which killed the new me.


Even though my heart was broken, I tried my best to survive like as if everything was okay. But as much as I could act, other actors/actresses didn't want to play along. There is only so much talent that one has. I had to stop one day. & one day, I did.


I stopped trying to pretend everything was okay, because it wasn't. My heart was already breaking everyday because I knew that this day would come soon. Now it's officially gone, truly over, no need for any imagination anymore.


It was a hell of a five/six months. & it was over.


I told myself, you chose to give up everything but do you want to get everything back? So while acting, I worked hard.
But when I stopped acting, I stopped working as well.


God didn't just watch, I knew He didn't. He knew what went through my mind, He knew what was the solution, He told me to hold on.
But I didn't.


I couldn't face it anymore, I just want to hide away and never appear again. I didn't want to work, I didn't want to meet people. I even missed my friend's wedding, my supposedly first wedding attended, IF I had attended.


But being on your own means reality strikes very fast. Then you start running out of money. You have no choice but to start coming out of your cave and force yourself to see people.


When you work, there's no chance for you to show your emotions. When you're sad, you had to seem happy because no one pays you to be sad at work. When something triggered a tear, it has to dry up immediately.
Most importantly, I learned that I had to be mature and be emotionless.


It was a long journey.


Now, in 2014, it has been nearly 2 years.
I think the reason why it is taking so long is because I didn't want to face it at first. If I pretend everything is okay, everything will be. If I just shut out everything, things will go on as normal. If my mind don't catch up with the consequences, maybe there wouldn't be any...


I don't care if you, the reader, reading this, might feel I'm so immature and emotional and is trying to seek attention. I don't want to care. You can take a knife and stab me now, but I will just look at you and say: "Okay." That's me now.


Physical pain don't matter anymore, when the hurt you've felt exceeds any pain I've ever felt before.


It's the losing myself, losing my future and the fact that it's so difficult to get it back now that is truly killing me inside.


I try hard now to make everything okay.


I will try harder.


There's many decisions that has to be made, now I know as long as I just put God as priority, it won't be wrong.
I know I'm a horrible person. I know.
But will you stop reminding me already?
Thanks.

Sometimes the environment makes us change our mindset. Whatever that you've decided to be, time might just wear it down & makes it seem so easy to just let it go. Close one eye, they say, then it wouldn't bother you that much.

But is it true? Will it really bother you less?
Somewhat it really just bothered me a little more. :\

To be honest, I really miss having people caring about me. But in fact, I know many people do care about me, they just don't show it. And also probably because of the thick layer of fats around, so I don't feel it. :x

When people get presents, I'll be like, where's mine?
On their birthdays, they get wishes and celebrations. I'll be like, where's mine?

I'm envious of people with family members and close friends surrounding them. & I feel quite sad that sometimes, they don't treasure it. Of course people always take things for granted. That's human nature.
But I don't even have that chance.

Sometimes I sit by myself and think: my mom don't even know me at all... & she's already disappointed with me.

Pressure.

My friends don't even understand what I think, & they've already concluded that I've changed and I don't about them, but maybe for the worse.

Pressure.

I cannot even make proper decisions for myself.

Pressure.

I wonder why I'm so useless.

I miss my Auntie Yeo...

For now, that's all that is running in my mind.

I miss you! :(

Only my dear Wan Ting~

A life. & time to see my dear again!

The girls & I met up for an awesome buffet dinner at the ever so nostalgic Buffet Town, where my dear treated me to my birthday dinner 2 years ago.

How fast time has flown by!
I remembered: during that period of time, I was feeling depressed & it was the starting of the "Dark Ages" - Michelle Edition. Thereafter, it was a constant spiral down.

I got fatter so it was a new problem of trying to accept, yet also wanting to change that image.
I was still trying to cope with the sense of being not accepted.
I was blaming everything alive for the whirlpool of changes.

Basically, I resent changes. Oops.


We girls did girly things:- chit chat, eat, gossip gossip. Hahaha! It was awesome, it felt like I had a life again!

Then I met my dear for lunch again the next day. We chit chat again & I'm really touched that she actually made an effort to try to help me. -真的有感动到!-

I've decided to do my best until I'm happy! Then maybe everything will be alright!
Or so I hope. :x

This week's been a roller coaster rider kinda week.
Each day feels like a totally different day, with different emotions experienced & different things learnt.

Out of nowhere, I see them working harder. & I wonder if it's because of me..
I don't know to feel happy about it? Or be worried about them?
State of confusion.

I feel bad that I work so little, especially with me not working during peak hours.
So I try to make it up by working extra hard so they don't have to.
Maybe I worked a little too hard for myself to handle.. I'm kinda stupid that way. :|

Then to make things worse, new news came by just yesterday which is kinda world-shaking to me. Just 1 year, do we really need that many changes? I'm against changes, I get hurt & I wish everything just remains the same now because I really love the way it is now!

But then again, challenges in life I guess.
"你的生活不完美吗？" You asked.
I don't know what to say.


Tomorrow is the start of a new working week. I'm going to make it awesome! ^^

Today, I'm feeling exhausted. My hands are tired & feeling constantly painful from the cracked skin. I can't bend or straighten my fingers because it will hurt a little. I'm tired, but I can't sleep.

Sometimes, I wonder why I care so much about others. Then what do I get? All the sense of disappointments that comes along with the package.

Life is very fair indeed.

I've always seen people complaining about how unfair life is; how life seem to always throw rotten oranges/apples/pears/bananas [beedo~ beedo~] at you. But somewhat, a few days ago, I felt that this wasn't true at all.

I've always felt that people with family problems are really strong people. They are met with problems which they cannot control & they can only do what they can to not add fuel to the already roaring fire. True, sometimes I tell myself, Thank God I do not have to face those kind of problems!!! 

But then again, was I sure of that? ;]

Relationship problems are the furthest problem which I will face. Or so I thought.


Work-related issue. That epic sense of longing when I don't work! Am I developing feelings?! -dengdengdeng-


So yup, come to think of it, who says life isn't fair? Nope, life is fair indeed. Everyone meets with the same problems; it's just sooner or later. I wouldn't say SAME problems, but same TYPE.

It's up to you to decide how to face them, how to live with them & how to move on with them.

Some problems take forever, some just needs you to make the first move.


Your turn now. :]