In the new year.

I read a blog today which was about this lady who had a stillbirth. She wrote about the process of her letting go, trying to be strong and moving on so that life can continue for her happily again.


I am a very lucky girl. I don't have to lose anything. I've got a family. I've got friends. I've got a nice church to go to every week. I have a job which provides me with sufficient funds to get through the days. And the best of all, I've got an awesome God with me.


The only thing I've lost was myself.


To be honest, when I thought that I've made that choice that I'll give up everything, I did. I knew I had to lose a lot, but I still did. I thought it will be okay, but oh boy, was I wrong.


It was not losing the person that was devastating, it was losing myself entirely which killed the new me.


Even though my heart was broken, I tried my best to survive like as if everything was okay. But as much as I could act, other actors/actresses didn't want to play along. There is only so much talent that one has. I had to stop one day. & one day, I did.


I stopped trying to pretend everything was okay, because it wasn't. My heart was already breaking everyday because I knew that this day would come soon. Now it's officially gone, truly over, no need for any imagination anymore.


It was a hell of a five/six months. & it was over.


I told myself, you chose to give up everything but do you want to get everything back? So while acting, I worked hard.
But when I stopped acting, I stopped working as well.


God didn't just watch, I knew He didn't. He knew what went through my mind, He knew what was the solution, He told me to hold on.
But I didn't.


I couldn't face it anymore, I just want to hide away and never appear again. I didn't want to work, I didn't want to meet people. I even missed my friend's wedding, my supposedly first wedding attended, IF I had attended.


But being on your own means reality strikes very fast. Then you start running out of money. You have no choice but to start coming out of your cave and force yourself to see people.


When you work, there's no chance for you to show your emotions. When you're sad, you had to seem happy because no one pays you to be sad at work. When something triggered a tear, it has to dry up immediately.
Most importantly, I learned that I had to be mature and be emotionless.


It was a long journey.


Now, in 2014, it has been nearly 2 years.
I think the reason why it is taking so long is because I didn't want to face it at first. If I pretend everything is okay, everything will be. If I just shut out everything, things will go on as normal. If my mind don't catch up with the consequences, maybe there wouldn't be any...


I don't care if you, the reader, reading this, might feel I'm so immature and emotional and is trying to seek attention. I don't want to care. You can take a knife and stab me now, but I will just look at you and say: "Okay." That's me now.


Physical pain don't matter anymore, when the hurt you've felt exceeds any pain I've ever felt before.


It's the losing myself, losing my future and the fact that it's so difficult to get it back now that is truly killing me inside.


I try hard now to make everything okay.


I will try harder.


There's many decisions that has to be made, now I know as long as I just put God as priority, it won't be wrong.
I know I'm a horrible person. I know.
But will you stop reminding me already?
Thanks.